“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
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I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening