Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
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A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
50 shades of grey = my Liver
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s