First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
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I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Happy Caturday!
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
#gardening
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.