If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
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I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.