the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
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When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
my nickname in college
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING