Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
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Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.