Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
You Might Also Like
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…