American Horror Story: Public Restroom
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I really had high hopes for this year though
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
In banana years, I am bread.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early