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Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder