Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
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I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I’m literally crying
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Oh, I bet you would be
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Important reminders