DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
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The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
me hooking up with my ex
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.