Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
You Might Also Like
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
More like Kate Missington.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.