All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
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OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good