Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
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You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Meeeee too!
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Tastes like chicken.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no