Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
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The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.