Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
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No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
My love language is hissing.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN