I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
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you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.