Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
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If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
who wore it better?
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!