Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs