You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Damn what did I do next
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own