Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
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this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.