[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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I’d … I’d rather not.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
and now we wait
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.