The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
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“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*