I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
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cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
When they try to steal your moment.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own