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Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
How funny!
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.