[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
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Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this