I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
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The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger