Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
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Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip