when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
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Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.