My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
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fired
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.