“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
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me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it