Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
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The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.