I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
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No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside