If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My life in a nutshell
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.