[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
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*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments