Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
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“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.