*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Spell check is for lasers.
you stereotypes are all alike
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
watergate? u mean a dam??
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.