A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
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[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.