If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
You Might Also Like
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Warm pools make me nervous.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.