Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
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Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun