[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
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Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.