It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
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Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit