Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
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You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.