I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
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my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo