Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
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Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
socratic questions
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.