Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
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I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.