[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
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Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
*ernest hemingway voice*
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT