me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
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COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
That was easy.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.