If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
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Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.