I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
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Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Ghost costume 😂
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂